New Political Reality TV Network
Developments in the national debate over campaign finance reform have had an instantaneous and wholesale effect on television. That’s right, move over “Jersey Shore,” “Dancing with the Stars” and nightly news.
Media insiders say it’s time to call the coroner and throw a big, fat R.I.P. sticker on primetime programming as we know it. The W.O.W. Network — acronym for We Own Washington — will be crowned the very first all-the-time, all-the-networks, all-the-politics-you-can-buy-and-swallow juggernaut to blaze into broadcast history.
Early reports predict a co-host model similar to Vanna and Sajak. Though Vanna spins words while Sajak spins guests — a.k.a. the Capitol Hill model — insiders say. W.O.W. co-hosts will instead help viewers navigate a titillating path rife with profound tribal trials the likes of which will make the oft sappy, soft touch “Survivor” look like an hour with Barney. (No, not the ex-congressman from Massachusetts, the other one, the purple one who scares the hell out of children.)
Programming segments due to include:
I Want to be at the Mercy of a Billionaire
Wheel of Grave Misfortune
The Price is Far Right or Slightly Left of Center
Slice of Life:
Extreme Makeover: The Homeless Edition
Biggest Loser: The Middle Class Edition
The Amazing Race: No More Black Guy in The White House Edition
America’s Got Talent for Fucking Everything Up
America’s Next Top Model Made in China
All My Children are Poorly Educated
One Life to Live In Debt
As the World Turns it Runs Head-On Into a Bus
When it comes to potential co-host names being bandied about the producing suite, odds-makers give nods to the honorable Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh and the queen of alternative facts, Kellyanne Conway. Additional names being dropped are Wal-Mart Captain, Michael Duke (not to be confused with David Duke) and Sarah Huckabee and her trusty sidekick, Chuck Norris.
Super Bowl ads on W.O.W. are rumored to yield as much as $10 billion dollars per minute with contractual obligations to include unmitigated savaging of minorities, mysterious ties to foreign governments, far-less-than-half-truths about all involved political parties and an additional $1 billion dollar bonus for every program exec who affords a negative return on investment.
Nary a network official could be reached for comment, however, due to round-the-clock boiler room strategy summits with oil tycoons, sheiks, automakers, drug cartels and innumerable shadow factions looking to rape and pillage America’s former land of the free and home of the brave.
With only two years left in the Trump occupation, W.O.W. pundits far and wide are geared to push foreign-powered elections like prescription pills. And since Yes We Can has become Yes We Can Forget What the Hell We Were Talking About, word has it the First Lady has already called upon pesky little dark-skinned D.C. public school kids to help her put up the foreclosure sign on the West Lawn.
The network’s theme music is rumored to be, “K Street and Wall Street Sittin’ in a Tree,” the indelible R&B duet sung by Lindsey Graham and Susan Collins.
Stay tuned for more. Or less.